You know, another thing that struck me from your post was "I was a good wife and a good girl."
Good for whom?
What is good?
What if you had slept with a bunch of men before your husband? Would that necessarily mean anything about you?
No.
I want to compliment you on your honesty and bravery in sharing such good stuff with us! We all know those feelings.
So while, part of you knows this, I will tell the other parts -
You are enough, just as you are.
The little girl in you who is trying SO HARD to be good enough, to hold it together, to make it okay...you can tell her to come sit in your lap. She can stop. She is enough.
There is a wise woman in you that doesn't need your husband or anyone else to tell you you're enough.
That wise woman can see your husband's insults and control and know it doesn't have anything to do with you and you don't need it.
The wise woman can see your husband's good side is not all he is.
The wise woman knows how strong and smart and capable you are.
The wise woman brought you here.
The wise woman is interested in growing, moving forward, getting your needs met.
The wise woman has no shame for any moment of your past because that is the GIFT that brought you to this moment and the possibility for something different.
Find her.
Hugs
wife