This is my life with a drunk husband.
It's 12:30 AM and I'm writing this because I have just had the night from hell and I literally have no one else to talk to. I can't talk to my parents or my sister because they don't need to know the whole story.
I've been married to a binge-drinker for almost three years. It was love at first sight, and we went way too fast. It was magical and romantic and I thought I was going to have everything I ever wanted. He is so handsome, and personable, loving and loyal. He came here from England with nothing and now has his own business where he's respected and earning great money. People who don't know him well are always telling me I'm a lucky girl. Sober, he is my dream guy, and he felt like family to me almost immediately. I ignored the warning signs and we got married, and had a little boy. When he's drunk...it's like a nightmare. He's a monster, it's something I've never seen before. There's no getting through to him, it's just anger on a level I can't describe.
Three years later, here I am, living with my parents since December, with ruined credit and a life I DID NOT want. I left after he had an episode while my mother was visiting. He felt he had earned a night out with the guys, so while I was picking my mother up from the airport, he was out getting drunk. He came home at 3AM with coke in his pocket, screaming at me that I'm a lying ****, and that I cause him to drink. He woke our little boy up and wouldn't put him down until I begged him to. I stayed up trying to calm him down for 3 hours, and layed in bed with him until he cried himself to sleep.
The night of our belated wedding reception he over drank and left me at the hotel room alone while he went out. I remember being 7 months pregnant, sick with the flu...his friend was out visiting so they went out "for a few drinks" and he came back angry, threatening me to the point that his friend had to intervene. These incidents happen, and then 3 or 4 months go by without incident. He's so sorry, and he tries. He's a good husband, the guy I knew. Then just when I start to trust him, it happens again. One night in June, he went to a business dinner where he said he wasn't going to drink. He did. He drove home wasted, and angry. He pushed me onto the couch and slapped me. That's the second time he's ever slapped or pushed me, and I still feel sick thinking about it. Do you know what it's like to see the one you love with their eyes vacant and hollow, with no expression on their face, and to feel so completely terrified and afraid of what they may be capable of? I can't even describe it right. It's the worst thing I've ever felt. I remember a few months ago, I wanted to get out of the house with my baby because I didn't want to be home when he got back drunk...it was 2 AM and there I was pushing my little boy in a stroller down the street trying to find a cab. It must have looked crazy. The cab driver took me to a motel nearby, and I remember him asking before he left..."Are you ok?" He was young, and good-looking, and he looked like he felt so bad for me, and I thought....I'm that girl now.
How do I reconcile the sweet, caring husband, who is so loving towards his son, with this scary person he becomes sometimes? He told me he would use this time apart to work on himself and make things better. But tonight he called (he must have been drinking all day), and demanded to know about the relationship I was in before him, sexual details, and why I haven't been straight with him about it. Yes, I have lied to him about little details of my past, but only because he gets so crazy about it. I got a bunch of texts tonight saying what a liar I am, how much he hates me, and how much he wishes he had never met me. He also told me if I'm not honest with him, he's going to sleep with as many girls as possible.
I have tried so hard to keep my family together. I don't want a divorce, I want him to change! I do everything I can to take care of him..I'm a good wife, and I was a good girl, I was never slutty like he accuses me of being. I've lost myself...I don't see my old friends, I've gained 30 pounds, I dress like an old hag. I don't even recognize who I am. I love him so much, or do I really? How can I love someone who tells me how disgusting I am, and how I'm the biggest **** he's ever met? How can I want to be with him?? I can't even believe the things that come out of my mouth sometimes when he's drunk on the phone...tonight I was begging him not to cheat on me for spite, because once he does we can't go back. Who is this girl begging a drunk not to cheat on her?
If anyone actually read this, thank you...I feel better that I've written some of it down.