Shecould

I am just starting to think about the fact I may not be just a recreational cocaine user. I am feeling super anxious even just writing that.

I think I fit the category of a binge cocaine user. I don't use every day, the longest I ever go without is probably a month and since my first ever line in 2001, I think the longest I have not had any coke would be about 3-4 months.

On any given occasion I would do 1-3 grams to myself, more if I could afford it and if it was easy to hide it from my husband/friends.

My husband does not know that in the last month I have used every weekend, at least once and a lot on my own.

I can sit in bed, if he is asleep in the spare room (if he got home late, from being out, this sometimes happens as he snores!) doing lines off my dresser till 4am and I have work in the morning. My husband thinks I am asleep. Oh the shame. No one knows this.

And why would I want to sit in bed getting high, especially on coke and then lie awake in my own awful thoughts, if I was not an addict of some kind?

I would then need a sick day off work and will make out I was up all night with a urine infection, or I am starting to get a cold and feel so ill.

I am so ashamed that I can do this.

I never thought I had a problem, as I can go without it happily for periods of time, I don't feel any withdrawal. Though I do notice I am moody.

I know when I actually write out what I do, that is only part of my sneakiness, that I realise I DO have a problem and I have hidden the extent of it for almost 9 years!

I get away with it as many of our friends are recreational users and even my husband can do it, if it is at a party, once in a blue moon he may have a line or two. Usually it was bought by me, so he has some, I know if it wasn't there, due to me, he'd never even think about it.

We are all very successful professionals. Live in London, have everything going for us in life and coke is considered a part of a social scene sometimes.

I am known as the one who probably buys/uses it the most - but none of my friends/family/or my husband have any idea of how much I think about it, plan to use it and do it on my own, binging excessively, hidden away.

Anyway I will stop there.

I last used it 4 days ago. Had it at a party, no one else was using it, I was the only one and polished off two grams to myself.

I don't feel depressed now, but just determined to get it out of my life for good. Embarrassed more than anything. I am a liar in my life/marriage. That in itself is disgusting to me.

I want to think about starting a family, so this lifestyle is insane and I need a community like this to remind me I do have a problem and it is not ok.

Thanks for listening. Nice to meet you all.

Shecould