Delurking
I have been following these boards for about a year now but have finally decided to become more involved. I was hesitant to post anything in my early sobriety, but I think I've gained a lot of perspective over the past year and feel like sharing my story might help someone else struggling with alcohol/drug dependency.
My story is similar to many that I've read on here. I'm in my 40's, and for many years was a heavy-but-not-alcoholic drinker, as were many of my friends. Over the past decade or so, I noticed that my drinking became more the purpose for going out, rather than just a fun but small part of socializing. Eventually I started drinking every night. This didn't seem all that unusual at first, as many of my family members and friends have post-work cocktails and wine with dinner. Gradually, however, it became a crutch.
It's easy to see how this happened: I've struggled with anxiety, insomnia, and panic attacks all of my adult life, and I thought that the alcohol helped with that. As all the experts will tell you, alcohol *does* work as a short-term anxiolytic, but in the long term it makes the underlying anxiety much worse. In an effort to help control the anxiety and cut down on my drinking (but not quit, god forbid), I asked my doctor to prescribe me something for anxiety and insomnia. He had no idea about my drinking, and ended up prescribing klonipin for panic and restoril for insomnia. At first I was religious about not mixing them with alcohol, but that eventually changed. In the course of about a year I became physically dependent on alcohol and benzos. Nevertheless, I managed to avoid some of the obvious problems related to dependence, i.e., no DWI or loss of job (although my work suffered a lot). My close friends and family knew I had a problem, however. How could they not? I was medicated around-the-clock. I had no emotional depth and had lost my sense of humor. I was practically a zombie. I was just killing time on this earth, not living.
My wife eventually told me that I had to quit or face going to rehab. I *really* didn't want to go to rehab, not the least of which due to the great expense, so I agreed to get off the pills and booze. I leveled with my doctor, who was very understanding and helped me taper off the benzos. It was a hellish few days followed by a very raw few weeks. I still harbored the fantasy that I could drink again, however, so after about 3 months I tried to moderate again. This worked okay at first, but then within a couple of months I was back to daily drinking, usually starting in the early afternoon. I told my wife that the experiment had failed (as if she didn't know!), and I resolved to never drink again. Quitting the second time around was easier without the benzo co-dependency, but it's still something I never want to go through again!
These past several months have been wonderful, and my anxiety is basically gone. I strongly urge anyone else who uses alcohol to control their anxiety to *please* quit and allow their body to return to its baseline condition. It takes a while and is not easy, but the rewards are innumerable.
Thanks for listening!