I would urge you to see your doctor and/or a counselor. It sounds like a lot of tension that maybe a doctor or therapist could help with. I'm sorry you're feeling so badly and hope that we can be a lifeline for you to hang on to. Please check out the 'sticky' thread at the top of the forum page for suicide hotlines and such. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. :ghug3
Here is the 'sticky'.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-suicidal.html