Hi Jan24,
Welcome to SR......Such a huge step reaching out AND already attending a meeting is tremendous......Good for You!!!!
I am on day 26 and can relate to your whole story......your restlessness and wanting to try and do everything right now too!!! The Big Book of AA says some symptoms of the disease of addiction are ‘becoming bored, restless, and dis-content.’ I know I have to watch out for these feelings daily! Today, I feel like I should start training for a triathlon but I keep telling myself to take it slow and be gentle with myself......I have spent many years beating myself up......TODAY, I just want to feel good and praise myself that I have made the choice not to drink for today!!! Wow, that is BIG for me......I am going to be proud of me today and let the other stuff come in time. I put it off for so many years, I don't think a few more months will hurt! I
I also used alcohol to mask my feelings and problems.....the never ending cycle of drink, blackout, horrendous hangovers......guilt, shame, self-loathing.....if I could bottle those bad feeling and bring them back when I had a weak moment, I would never drink again.....but it is like having a baby, all memory of the pain....gone!! (Yep, I have 2 children!) Now as the embarrassment and shame roll through my mental movie collection., it re-assures me that I have made the right decision to quit drinking for good. I have many failed attempts at sobriety over the past 20 years, even rehab last year, only to give in to that ever-so-patient demon again and again! The spiral down comes quicker and stronger each time.....yes, that is exactly what I learned in rehab....it will just keep getting worse! Next time I may not live through another episode! I just read last night in "Beyond the Influence" that her daughter, Terry McGovern, walked out of a bar, intoxicated, stumbled into a snowbank and froze to death. That could very well of happened to me!
NOT TODAY!!
Reasons I think I relapsed:
1) I did NOT have a good support system in place to continue growing and learning in my new found sobriety!!
2) I was isolating and not attending meetings.
3) Dear hubby brought wine in the house for guests, thinking I was strong enough (Not!)
4) I was setting unrealistic goals and beating myself up for not reaching them!
5) Constant boredom, I didn't have a routine or structure in my life.
6) I was dwelling on resentments and past hurts!
7) I remember feeling overconfident……that drinking thinking crept in!!
8) I ignored relapse warning signs and triggers
Today, I have a sponsor/life coach, I am working on my spirituality and I am reading/posting on SR! My mind, my heart and my soul are open to any new/old ideas on recovery/sobriety. As I read your positive words about attending a meeting, along with so many others on SR, it is stirring my desire to add AA meetings too! I live overseas, in Qatar, and there is only 1 meeting each night at 7pm, very small, only 6 people but I am willing to do ANYTHING to stay sober! I need to learn new ways of spending time with people. I feel socially ********, in all honesty!! I have been to 3 neighborhood feeding frenzies and ended up parked in the middle of the men cuz I don't know how to converse with the women! …….Also once a week, I host the neighborhood quilting group of ladies……our beloved teacher moved back to the states and I thought my taking over the commitment would be very helpful in my recovery!! My 3rd week and it has been very successful plus rewarding!!
Jan, I am looking forward to sharing your journey in sobriety!! Thank you for being here……it is so nice that I am not alone!! I find the support, kindness, knowledge and uplifting words on SR to be a daily recipe for my success today and in the future!!
Love and hugzzzzzzz,
~Kelly