New & My Story
I'm brand new here...just discovered this site. I've been seeing a substance abuse therapist for a good month, but haven't reached the point of total abstinence yet. I have gone from nightly drinking to drinking 3-4 nights out of the week, so I guess that's improvement. What's that called, harm reduction? But, my goal is 100% abstinence, and I decided that last Saturday was my last night of drinking. He is also an EMDR therapist, with whom I will be working not only on addiction, but reconciling past trauma. But we can't start EMDR until I have at least two weeks abstinence.
So, Saturday was my last drink. I slept horribly last night and have a massive headache. Nothing new for me...I've been through the first week of abstinence before so I knew what to expect. It's the keeping abstinent after the withdrawal effects subside that I have the toughest time with. I start thinking, "see, it wasn't so bad. It's not like you had to be in the hospital for detox like dad did..." and I'd cave.
Talking with my therapist has given me some clarity that I am indeed poisoning myself and that I may not need hospitalization now...but that will be a reality eventually unless I change this. I'm going to see a psychatric nurse practitioner this afternoon to discuss medications to help with cravings. I'm hopeful that this is the beginning of a new life.
I'm 35 and have struggled with anxiety and depression most of my life, the likely result of genetics and childhood sexusal abuse. I drank occasionally in high school, but not much. Then I went to college and fell into a deep depression and experienced a lot of anxiety....until I discovered college parties. Then the anxiety disappeard...as long as I was drinking. The foundation for my later nightly drinking was laid. After college, whenever I had trouble sleeping or feelings of anxiousness, I'd drink. The few nights a week became more frequent, until I was drinking every night. Except for when I was pregnant with my daughter, I'd say I've been drinking a box of wine every 3-4 days for a good 10 years. Seeing that in writing is horrifying. How could I ever convince myself that it's not "that" bad?!?!
Part of me feels very foolish. Like, how could I end up here? I watched as alcohol destroyed my dad. He was also bipolar. His life became a revolving door of hospitals (he *had* to be hospitalized through detox), rehabs/psychatric facilites and suicide attempts. He died by suicide 5 years ago.
My daughter will be 3 next month. She is the absolute sunshine of my life. I never want her to have to go through what I did watching my dad dying little by little day-in and day-out. I want to be healthy: emotionally, physically and cognitivly. I just want to be comforatble being me. Sounds so simple. So why is it so hard to achieve?
Anyway, just wanted to introduce myself.
Sarah