yeahgr8

Something just hit me! I remember looking at my Dad, who was one of my amends that i made (by letter in a different country and phone would have not been appropriate) and i haven't seen in 6 years...I remember thinking last time i saw him how on earth does someone get to his age and learn nothing, what i mean is still saying exactly the same things and acting in exactly the same way as i remember he used to when i was a kid. Ok i guess some examples would be good...ok...racist, homophobic, hateful and fearful of the entire human race, thinks the world owes him a living, y'know punch someone before they punch you kid of guy?!

I remember him drumming stuff into me as a kid like every kid in state school carries a knife...don't trust anyone...a lot of crude sexist stuff etc...

The one thing i did notice is that he has mellowed somewhat which i put down to getting older, i put this down to simple logic that comes with age, e.g. its not a good idea for a 60 year old to pick a fight with a 25 year old, less women in the thirties want to sleep with you etc...

When i did my step 4 this was a huge wake up call for me and one thing that i didn't know about myself and that is everything i believed, feared, hated etc when i was in my teens i still had all that at 38...wtf?! I couldn't believe it, thats how little i had looked at myself.

I was reading a thread about being grateful to be an addict/alcoholic, and i would say that i am very grateful to have the opportunity to change so i am not spouting the same crap out at 60 that i did at 20...i would also think this may be a bit of a wake up call for some to actually think about what they believe, their thoughts, their actions, their feelings etc and ask, if appropriate, how the heck can all these be the same at my age now as they were when i was twenty if all i have a problem with is drinking alcohol, there has to be something not right inside and how do i get help for that?!

I don't think my Dad is an alcoholic he has pretty much controlled his drinking and now has one or two nights a week with several drinks a night, but he will go to his grave a very sick man and no in his face reason to do anything about it...that, to me, is alot more scary than death...

There are a lot of things that keep me working on myself on day at a time, but this is a big one...i really, really didn't and don't want to be the person i have been, and am determined, for my part, to put the work in not to be...