Welcome Jan. You are very self-aware, & that's going to help. I know what you mean about trying to hide it from people. Once I stopped doing that & it was all out in the open, I felt SO much better - a huge burden was lifted from me.
When I was in my 30's I had many of the same thoughts you have, but I ignored them and kept justifying my behavior. 20 yrs. later my life was a shambles, and my health was suffering. The way you describe your drinking you may end up in the same state. Be proud of yourself for coming to this decision and wanting a better life.
Let us know how it's going for you!