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Old 01-24-2010, 07:44 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
coffeedrinker
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
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I don't know if I should regret the things I did to stop that from happening (paying his bills, rent, 'believing' his lies, ect.) because I was only enabling him...and not letting him realize the consequences of his actions... OR be content with my choices because he did finally decide to ge help and entered a treatment program, and when he gets back he will still have a decent life to come back to.


Yep, this is a hard one. It is possible that when he comes back to his decent life, he will turn things around, be grateful and (hopefully) pay you back in many ways. But unofficial "statistics" show otherwise. Don't dwell on this, it can't change anything. You can however, learn from it.

I wanted to 'save' him. I am not a therapist or psychologist, but I can assume that this stems from the fact that 5 years ago I lost my brother to a drug overdose

I truly don't think that this is the reason, but the reasons aren't what matters at this time.

I never even thought about walking away, I wish I would of because I know I should of, but I couldn't. I loved and still love him with all my heart--too much I am starting to realize. I wanted to 'save' him.

So back to my best friend, semi-boyfriend (long story, but in the end it worked for us, we were the closest of close and the truest of true to one another). I just didn't know what to do to 'save' him, and I am sure I made some good and some bad choices in trying.


I can totally relate to this. Me too, exactly. I have only begun recently, after several years of "together after best friends" and another relapse, to re-think sticking it out with him.

I too, am much closer to mine than his family. They don't see anything firsthand, I am the one who spends his birthdays, christmas, lifts him up, etc.
But, let me talk about his treatment.

When mine went into an intense program, he had meetings, groups, and work almost every single day. For someone not used to that, plus getting up EARLY every morning, plus the sheer intensity of all of that, it's a little overwhelming. He was FRIED at the end of every day. It was hard to wanna TALK to anyone else, esp. if that someone wanted to find out how things were going, or more "rehab" stuff. However, he did write me letters, several times a week, so that part isn't the same. But, let me agree with the other poster that they want these guys to focus on their recovery, there is a lot of work that needs to be done, skills to be acquired, worship, chores, etc. He may still be on some kind of deal where he can't use the phone yet. Why don't you call the place and ask a general question about communication and visiting hours (although I would not suggest you show up without being invited)

I would also ask, like the others, why you feel you need to continue paying his bills? He loses his apartment? So what, that's not a big deal. And if you are paying his c.card bill so he doesn't get bad credit, well, that's not the end of the world either. He does truly need to feel his consequences, rebuild his life, and it sounds as though he is taking you for granted.

Keep going to al-anon, and if you find a meeting you like, go to that one. Friendships are waiting for you. Also, remember: gifts don't have strings. If you are giving with an expectation, or in the hopes that he will be eternally grateful, show you and tell you what a stellar friend and human being you are, pledge his undying love or whatever, your giving is misplaced.
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