lostmyway

I know that sounds dramatic, but it's true. I have so many feelings raging inside me I feel that I could explode. I have 27 days sober now and am experiencing feelings for the first time in roughly 13 years and I have no idea how to deal with them. I can't stand hurting. I never used to hurt. I used to drink.

I'm doing the best I can. I go to meetings, I pick up the phone when I feel the urge to drink, I'm STILL taking my detox/anti-anxiety medication regularly as directed by my doctor. Sometimes when I get the urge to do drink I do strange things like dye my hair or get a tattoo (got a tattoo last night.) It's huge, covers most of my upper arm. It was my first one. I have no idea if these are healthy ways of dealing with things but at least I'm not drinking.

I told my sister in law, a social drinker at best; she doesn't really care for alcohol, about my sobriety on her birthday and got nothing but support.

As for everyone else?

I told my mom about getting sober and she had the same standard reaction she has to everything. Denial. She doesn't believe I was ever as bad as I told her I was. This is the woman who started cheating on my father when I was about 9 or so because she couldn't stand his alcoholic behavior but didn't have the guts to leave him. She just found what she needed elsewhere. Trouble was, she brought my younger brother and I along for the ride, often leaving us in strange apartments so she could go out with a man. One man in particular I will never forget...he served me my first drink at age 13. My mother made no objections and it was that drink that started my career, for lack of a better work, of alcoholism.

But you see, my mom is so "perfect" (LOL)...well dressed, career woman with a Master's Degree, and her life is going so well now (with the exception, of course, of her dysfunctional relationship with my dad) that she DOWNRIGHT DENIES THAT ANY OF THESE THINGS EVER HAPPENED. Occasionally she'll make light of it if I bring it up, but it's mostly just denial. It makes me think I'm losing my mind...I know what I went through was real. Besides all of that, she is a constant enabler...doesn't really drink herself, but supplies my family of alcoholics with booze that inevitably ruins our get togethers because everyone just gets drunk and fights. I know...I used to be in there fighting right along with them. I told my mom I will be getting my 30 day coin soon and she was like, "Oh, that's nice, I'm glad you're maintaining your goal." Goal seems to be a small word for what I am accomplishing...I've had to change my whole life!

My mother in law is an alcoholic who watches my three year old son and three month old daughter every day so that I can go to work. I haven't been happy with this arrangement from day one, but I can't afford any other option. Leaving my kids with this woman is killing me. Every day that I have picked them up this week, she has reeked of alcohol. We've already had a talk with her about it and obviously it's done no good. What else is there to say? I told my mom that I was going to go down the road from my house to apply for a waitressing job at a restaurant to earn extra money to be able to send them the preschoool and daycare. I know it will be rough on me, but I will go to any length to get them into a more positive environment. My mother's response was, "You're an @$$hole! That's just where you need to be. In some f*cking biker bar!" (Bikers do go there, but I would hardly call it a "biker bar.") She says she will give me the money to get the kids into other care. I told her that it is my responsibility. And I am SICK TO DEATH of her and my father trying to make up for all of the mistakes they know they've made with money.

I wrote a letter to my father the other day that I will never give to him.

Dear Dad,

Why were you always so angry? Do you know that I lived in fear of you? Why did you think that being a dad and an alcoholic could ever go hand in hand? I didn't understand why you drank, but I knew it always created trouble.

Why wouldn't you get help? Did you not want to get bettter? Did you know what kind of example you were setting for your kids? Did you care that we were young and impressionable?

Do you think I have good memories of my childhood? I know you are a hard worker and we never lacked for anything. I know that you bought me things because you didn't know any othe rway to make things up to me, but Dad, I would have traded any of those things - the cars, the down payment on my house - to have a real conversation with you. But you can't show love and you are so one-sided that it is impossible to talk to you without feeling like I am walking on egg shells. Your words and actions are so forceful that I fear saying the wrong thing and making you angry.

I love you, Dad, but I know I will never have closure on these issues because we will never be able to talk about it without you flying off the handle. I know you love me too, in your own way, so I guess that's all I can ask for.

Love,
Melissa

These thoughts and feelings are just spinning around in my brain, I am so depressed I can hardly get out of bed to take care of my kids. Writing about it helps, but I want to talk to somebody. I thought about calling this lady from my group and asking her to meet me for coffee so I could get some support, but I don't know if that's appropriate...she's not my sponsor or anything, I don't have a sponsor yet.

Any thoughts or words of wisdom would be a lifeline for me right now.