Just need some help
I think I'm an alcoholic.
Ever since I started drinking I've always been the drunkest around. I really like drinking it helps me feel like I can fit in and I have a tough time otherwise around people. I'm 24 I've only really been drinking since I turned 20 and went on a work trip to Japan where I could legally drink. It was awesome! I could go to clubs and approach girls and dance and have fun when I can't do anything like that otherwise. Since June of this year when I've been drinking I blackout. Sometimes for as long as 4 hours of the night that I just don't even remember but from accounts still been kicking. Even flirting with girls and getting numbers that I don't even remember the next day. I also recently found Adderall and ritalin which are great because I don't black out and can keep drinking all night long.
But that isn't me. Isn't who I want to be. I have a great job, great family. My job sent me to live in Japan for 3 months even! I have great opportunities at school and can take college classes for free!
I quit drinking last month for 30 days. It wasn't that hard but pot helped that alot. If it isn't on thing its another right? I went to 2 AA meetings when I quit. They were terrible. I cried each time I left which I never do. Ever.
All I want to know is does anyone else feel angry that they can't drink? All I can think is why me? Why can't I drink like a normal person? Why do I have this problem? It isn't fair!!!
I e-mailed my ex today telling her I still had feelings for her. Which is true but isn't fair to her. I'm dreading what she'll write back but it was important for me to tell her.
I left work today early (told my bosses I was having a breakdown) and was shaking. Went to the liquor store and couldn't go in. Drove around longer and went to another on and here I am doing shots of whiskey alone in my room. I even went to my neighbors to ask tell them. (They know I'm trying to stop) I wanted to ask them for help but simply couldn't. I'm so scared what my ex will think when she gets that e-mail. I've never had a problem if I didn't start drinking but today I just want to get drunk and be numb.
I CAN get better. I WILL get better. I CAN'T talk to the people I care about. Never been able to.