An Eye Opener
I just read Ann's post from The Language of Letting Go - Owning Our Power and a light bulb went off in my head when I read this:
There is one feeling we need to pay particular attention to in recovery: feeling victimized. We do not need to become comfortable with that feeling.
How do we feel when we've been victimized? Helpless. Rageful. Powerless. Frustrated.
Feeling victimized is dangerous. Often, it can prompt us into addictive or other compulsive behaviors.
I have a strong feeling this is a big part of why my RAH is telling me he wants a divorce. Just tonight we had a fight where now that I've read that post can see how much I play the victim. Tonight he came over as he has every night this week since leaving to play with our son and help put him to bed. Yesterday he said he would have $1500 to repay me from last month when he relapsed and took it from my account. Now I feel very strongly about people holding themselves accountable for their actions. He took the money he should replenish it so that I can pay the mortgage. I haven't gotten into it with him about it until now. He offered the money and to me it is the absolute right thing for him to do. Well, he didn't like that I asked about it and was grumbling that if he had it on him he would have given it to me.
Me: Well, M, in the past you've put things like this off and the only way I have ever gotten the money was if I asked persistantly.
Him: You know I don't HAVE to give you anything. I will give you the money by the end of the week because I want to, but I don't have to.
That comment about him not having to do it just pissed me off because seriously I don't HAVE to NOT go to the cops for him forging my signature. I didn't say that though. Instead I said, "You are right-it is the right thing to do. Before you forged that check we had over $3000 in there. It wasn't like it was a mutual decision for us to take the $1500 you did it on your own."
After that last comment he said something about how my attitude is why we can't be together anymore. I spit back something about how he is pretty equal in the bad attitude department. It is just UGLY!
All this time I've thought that our relationship was going south because of me not totally forgiving him, but after reading Owning Our Power I'm starting to think that I'e been playing the victim this whole time.