Knocked off center...trying to get back on
I felt like I have made such progress over the past few weeks, because I simply "let go" or detached. We are still seperated and it has become easier as time has gone on, but I still have those moments where I wish for the fantasy. Nothing has changed in the 2 months he's been gone, with the exception of him not drinking as much (that I know of). Of course how can I know when I am not around...so even that I am not sure about. Every moment of "clarity" that I believe he has is overshadowed by the following day being his mean, verbally abusive angry self. He actually believes that I say things I don't say. If I say, "You claim to be a christian and you speak like that?", he believe that is the same as me making fun of his job and insulting his person. That is about as mean as I get. I was honest with him today about some of the things I feel, and he told me that he couldn't believe I would insult his person that way....which I didn't. I have stopped reacting to his degrading, mean comments which just makes him try harder. When I do slip and say something - usually not mean, but a truth about the past or my feelings, he gets SO angry. He even told me to stop playing the batter wife syndrome card becuase it was getting old. Really?? I have heard everyones comments about going no contact....but I don't feel I can do that. I feel like I need to maintain whatever friendship I cna with him for our children. That said, I have had a very strong 2 weeks, felt confident, and calm.....I need to find that part of me again. Pregnancy hormones, and sleepiness probably make it worse!!!