In answer to your question, well, I think SisDebbie said it, but it is more complicated than that. You, if you are like me, live in the fantasy of what the future will be. But, that's what will be if only. There are many "if only's". Also, the times you experienced real connection, they fuel these other times. We also live in the memories of what was.
Ya know what? You can sit on the fence a little while longer. He doesn't have to even know.