Slow down there TFM.
"what's happening to me?"
You're growing.
"WTF? I'm crying."
Yep. Cause it hurts. A lot.
"I"m going to be smart about it and take some clonopin, all though that stuff is evil too because if I take it twice in two days and then stop, the withdrawl is--you guessed it--anxiety!"
Maybe put the clonopin back in the cupboard. Anesthetics only mask pain, they don't give you any new skills to deal with it. Life & pain (& housework) will all wait while we're out of it. I reckon you're nearly big enough to get through this without getting out of it
You've been angry about a lot of family stuff lately. It jumps off the page how deeply it hurts you & how close to the bone it is. Even though it still stings like hell, I get the impression it's power to hurt you is getting weaker. From what I've read lately, it seems you're almost ready to start dealing with instead of running from this stuff.
So maybe this time ... try to just stand in your power & ALLOW the pain. Just allow it. And keep breathing. Nothing else. No clonopin. You don't have a panic disorder - you're just scared sh!tless because your parents never ... well, they never did lots of things, but I'm no psychiatrist, so I won't go there. So now it's up to you to validate yourself. You KNOW who you are. You don't need your parents or your husband to give you anything anymore. You're gonna be OK.