Relapse: I am a hypocrite!
I am a hypocrite because I relapsed and lived a lie. I really want to call myself a newcomer. Despite 5 years of sobriety and clean time and a wealth of knowledge on the subject of addiction, I lied to myself, betrayed my wife and kids, decieved my fellow-professionals and clients. For the last two months I tried the marijuana maintenance program...which I know, is just a fancy name for "smoking pot on the side while pretending to be in recovery..." My wife found my stuff yesterday...I am lucky to still be living at home. Self-knowledge has failed me. Wow, this disease is truly cunning, baffling and powerful. I have come clean to wife, two teens, sponsor, therapist, pastor and a few close friends. I cannot pick up white chip in home town as it would affect my professional life. Must find a meeting someplace where noone knows me. Asked several other professionals whether they thought I was an impaired professional and they said no, as long as I pick up white chip, do a rigorous and thorough housecleaning, and rework my program again with a newfound willingness to be completely honest in all areas of my life. I am really tempted to do some serious self-loathing but know that is self-defeating. I know I am not special, just because I come armed with credentials....Dear Lord, please remind me that I am always powerless over my disease....I humbly ask for your guidance. May my ears be open to others feedback and suggestions....