Trying to get to know my son.
My drug and alcohol use caused me to be seperated from my son from when he was about 3 years old until recently. He is almost 9 now. I had phone contact with him and visited several times a year, from a few days to a week, but that has been about it.
Recently I moved closer to him and have been able to visit more often. It's still only a few days a month, but better than it has been. My ex has been great in not putting me down in front of him, in fact she has probably made me look better in his eyes than I deserve. The problem I find now is that I just don't know him. I'm not around him from day to day. When we talk on the phone it is awkward and forced. I don't really know what to say to him. When they visit (he has a lot of anxiety issues, wonder where those came from, and hasn't felt comfortable staying with me on his own) he is very clingly to his mom. I don't think he really sees me as any kind of "father figure", and I suppose that is because I really am not.
I've only been clean for a relativly short period of time (about 8 months). I'm just really struggling with this right now. He's kinda my only reason to hang on. I know I need to be doing this for myself, and to a point I am, but thinking of him helps me hang on. I've tried to kill myself on more than one occasion and thinking of him and what it would do to him is somtimes all that keeps me hanging on.
I hate being this way. I just got off the phone with him, and it was another uncomfortable, awkward converstation. Somtimes I just feel like giving up. I know that is not the answer, but that is how I'm feeling right now. I guess I'll just keep pluggning away. I feel so alone. It's been over five years since I've had anyone "close to me" in my life and I really miss the feeling of having someone to lean on, and someone to lean on me. Well, that's where I'm at today...not a very happy place.