Good morning all!
I am trying to collect my thoughts so that I can write something that makes sense but it doesn't seem to be working. Pardon me if I ramble or lose focus.
I went to my Dr yesterday and he is sending me to do an evaluation....Grief and Alcoholism.
I used to be the person who had it all together and could do anything. Now, I feel like I can barely get out of bed. I don't really understand why and how; I want to be myself again but I just cannot seem to pull it together.
I suppose my downward spiral started along time ago but it seems to me that it started on 2/14/08. My Dad was diagnosed with cancer. I talked with him and when I left I grabbed a 12 pack, hit the hills and since that day, I have been drinking whenever I can. My Dad died on 3/14/08, my son was 9 mos old... I cannot even begin to express how horrible this has been. My Dad was all I had; I was not (still am not) close to anyone in my family. It was always just Dad and I.
So here I am. My son will be 3 this summer. Ugh, the bottom line: I hate my life and I am barely functioning.
I am going to try the program my Dr recommended including AA. I am scared that I am going to hate my life even more if/when I stop drinking but I have try since the way I am going isn't working either. When I am drinking I can laugh about my Dad, I can cry, things look better but the pain is barely tolerable. How is this going to feel sober? Honestly, I hurt so bad it feels like it will kill me. AHHHHH!
Anyone know anything about this? Is this grief on top of an addiction problem? Is what I am feeling normal for where I am? Help!?!?