OK, how can I say what I want to without making assumptions or giving advice?
It is entirely possible that you have ADHD, which for people who truly have it, is not a nice place to be when life circumstances require sustained attention and focus... in which case Ritalin is effective and safe. The definition for ADHD includes the statement (paraphrased)... The symptoms of inattention have been present for a long time and to a degree that is maladaptive.... Maladaptive. Key word there.
I am sure that I had ADHD at certain times in my life... there were periods of time that "maladaptive" would have been putting it mildly... Currently I am adapting fine... I go to work, do my job, have a good home life... yea, I am disorganized as hell and I don't always get done what I wanted to because I get bored or distracted...
Oh, and many symptoms of inattention can be cause by other factors... life circumstance, anxiety, depression, etc....
So, where am I going with this?
You are afraid that you may not be able to manage your life without Ritalin. Well, maybe there are, will be, and have been, times in your life when your symptoms of inattention become maladaptive... there may be times when they are not... In fact, I strongly believe that ADHD can be a strongly positive trait for some people at many times in their life, especially if they have found the right careers, hobbies, avocations... and they would be ill served by quashing that part of themselves with stimulants.
20 mgs a day? That is well within the recommended dosage range.
Ritalin, when used properly, is not inherently bad... not everyone will agree with me there... that's OK... the FDA is satisfied that it is safe and effective for ADHD when used as directed. It has been used, effectively, for over half a century. Only problem is that... well... it's addictive as hell.
So is alcohol... but most people do just fine with a drink with dinner or one at night, like my wife does.
I abused the hell out of it, I didn't use it under a physician's care and used it recreationally. I drank, a lot while using it. I found it very difficult to stop. I won't say how much, because I don't know if that's relevant information, but let's just say I used more than 20 mg/day... lots more. And I used it for many reasons that had nothing to do with ADHD.
Perhaps finding out your truth, with the substantial help of others, and some of them should be physicians... Do you have ADHD, or something else?... Is it ADHD that makes you depressed like you say you are?... I don't want you to tell me, I just want you to know for yourself....
Do you like Ritalin because it does what it is supposed to, or do you like it, primarily, for other reasons? Could you take it under close supervision and remain honest with yourself and your caregivers? Could you be prescribed Ritalin in such a way where you would not become obsessed and worried about how many you had left for the weekend?
In other words... Are you powerless over Ritalin?
Please work very closely with a specialist in ADHD and be open, honest and always follow direction.
Mark