CONGRATULATIONS ON 9 DAYS!
Ah, the guilt, shame & remorse. Those are the biggest reasons that people relapse. I know it caused me to relapse more times than I can honestly count. It's good that you are identifying that and sharing it with us. Don't ever stuff your feelings. It's not like you're going to be standing in the line at the grocery and someone comes up, taps you on the shoulder and says,"Hey, aren't you din from SoberRecovery?" Whatever you say or ask on here is going to stay on here. When I got Clean, I didn't know anything about SR. I had about 2 years when I found this great place. So share away, my friend. And believe me, I don't think there's anything you can say that will just shock the hell out of us. Alot of us have been around the Rooms for many years and have just about heard it all. Ok?
Stop and think how long it took you to get to the point you were at when you said enoughs enough. It didn't happen in 9 days, so it's going to take some more time before you begin to start feeling "normal" again. (If there is such a thing as normal! lol) I'm glad you're identifying that the feelings are all rushing at you because you've removed the alcohol from your system. Here's something that helped me. . . remember, This Too Shall Pass. You won't feel like this forever. I can promise you that. Here's some more words you will hear quite often, take things, One Day at A Time.
I try to envision my disease as a big, evil monster. Everytime I get through a feeling of wanting to use, feeling overwhelmed, being angry, lonley, bored, bitchy, etc, I take away just a little bit of power away from the monster. Kinda like when you let a little bit of air out of one of those big blow up characters. I can smile and say to the disease, "Well, I won this time you M*th*r F*ck*r!" It feels really good when I imagine deflating it a little bit more.
Please continue to share what's going on with you. That's the absolute best way to work through your feelings and to also realize that we have all been there, what you're feeling in normal. Make out a gratitude list. List all the things you are grateful for from the roof over your head, staying warm, food, clothes on your back, family, friends . . . even things like the sun when it's shining, hearing a kid laugh, laughing at a good joke. All those things you took for granted when you were drinking.
Keep Coming Back!
God Bless,
Judy