Tealvertigo

Hello everyone,

I will not give my name for fear and shame that I would be discovered by my family members and friends in search engines. I will also only give certain details about myself, if that is acceptable.

For most of my life, I have battled with depression and ADD. Sometimes, my depression gets so bad that I cannot even function. I had missed countless days of school (college) in the past due to being depressed to the point of not getting out of bed until I was medicated properly. I was also recently diagnosed with ADD.

I was prescribed with Adderral (Amphetamine Salts) for ADD about 4 or 5 months ago, and found that taking them made me happy and capable of doing anything. Naturally, given my history of Opiate abuse, I was quickly attracted to this. I began taking it improperly, consuming more pills than during other times of the day and sometimes skipping a day once in a while, enduring pain, to keep my pills from running out too soon.

Fearing addiction, I confessed my misuse of the medicine to my psychiatrist, who prescribed me with Ritaline a couple of months ago. I was taking them properly until a couple of weeks later, when I learned they could replicate Adderral's effects when taken in high dosages.

Currently, I take two pills at night, one in the afternoon, and one in the morning. I look forward to my nighttime dose, because it equals unparalelled motivation, excitement, and euphoria.

I am also addicted to spending money. If I cannot take my Ritaline to combat my stress, I buy something and feel better for a little while.

Also, when I am under Ritaline's influence, I have the courage to face any confrontations, and I can talk to anyone. Recently, I began applying to four year colleges as a transfer student (I am about to earn my AA), I have been having some health problems, my dad got in a car accident, my dog might be dying, I am in credit card debt, my psychiatrist moved away, etc. In other words, these things stacking on top of each other have resulted in my craving for more and more stimulants.

Also, when I am on Ritaline, I don't feel tired all day. I have always struggled with sleep problems and exhaustion every day, but with this medicine, it just doesn't happen.

Let me be very real here- I love Ritaline. It's like candy to me. However, I realized I have a problem when I was driving home from college thinking about how I would afford my next refill, how I would space my doses to keep me from running out early and blowing my cover, and generally thinking about the medication obsessively.

Also, I love art and am going into Graphic Design. I fear that if I were to go off of Ritaline, I would not be able to get as much done and I would succumb to depression again. I hate my inconsistencies, and I hate periods of having no motivation. Ritaline irons those things out.

However, I know I have a problem and I understand how dangerous drug addiction is. I do want to do something about it, because I don't want to kill myself or bring my family down. They mean everything to me, and they are pretty unaware that I abuse Ritaline. However, I also don't want to return to my "blah" and "******** motivation" life before the drugs.

I also get very angry when I am not under the influence, and I find myself taking the meds to calm myself down.


So, where do I begin? What should I do to recover?