Hi Daphne, there is help here and f2f available around nearly every corner. You are not alone and if you want to get better you can. I was depressed all my life, I think I was born depressed, I first went to a therapist in my early 20s-she suggested meds but I said no way; the depression worsened over the years and by 40 I was so deeply depressed all I thought of were ways to die-I went back into therapy and again meds were recommended and again I said no--then on one desparate visit the Psychiatrist said to me "if you had epilepsy would you take medication for it" I said "of course"...and she made me realize that my depression was an illness and I started taking meds and got better.
So in the same way I look at my drinking as an illness that I could not control until I finally accepted that the only recovery was through total abstinence forever-I don't need to take a pill to recover but I need the ongoing recovery work to be my "medicine". I tell people that I'm allergic to alcohol, just like if a doctor told me I was allergic to shellfish and eating shellfish could and likely would kill me then I'd never eat shellfish again.