Closet drinker - new member looking for support - long post
Hello everyone - I am a new member as of this morning. I've been a closet drinker for too long now.
The honest answer is I don't know when it exactly started. A little background. I am 41 years old, married for 15 years this April, and the father of two beautiful kids which are fraternal twins.
I wasn't much a drinker in high school until my senior year - and then just weekends really. In college my drinking consumption increased, but I thought it was just 'part of the scene' so to speak. In those years I never drank alone, nor did I hide any additional drinking from anyone else (family/friends). It wasn't difficult for me to go days without alcohol (I don't recall it being difficult anyway - I just have no memory of ever thinking about it being hard).
I got married in 1995 (26 years old) and was doing ok. In fact I'd say during the early years of after college life and early married life my drinking was substantially reduced from my college days. I noticed that my tolerance had decreased and I though it was a good thing.
My wife and I decided to not have kids right away - but began trying when I was 30 (she was 29). It was then that we found out that conceiving a child wouldn't be an easy road for us. We both had issues that contributed to that. Our Fertility doctor immediately suggested IVF (In vitro fertilisation) and we began the process. Our insurance covered 4 cycles and the doctor was confident that it would be successful.
It wasn't. We went through the roller coaster of hope and despair for the next 4 1/2 years. Our insurance ran out and we had to start paying for it out of pocket. My wife wanted to give up after the 4th failed try. I told her we'd keep fighting. She got pregnant on the 5th try and we were very excited. But when the day came for her first ultrasound to detect the heartbeat, none could be heard. We were told that she was going to lose the baby. It was devastating...to say the least. It wasn't until we switched doctors that we finally found success - on our 9th IVF attempt.
Believe it or not, I don't remember hiding my drinking drinking during these years of struggle. It could be that I started towards the end, but I honestly don't remember. But it did start somewhere around that time, or shorlty after the kids were born.
I hid it well, and I'm not an angry or violent person sober or drunk - so no major personality changes made it obvious to anyone as to what I was doing. I think this has been going on for 5-6 years now (best guess) - and steadily getting worse. I've been a good father, but a bad husband...my wife has said the same.
It was almost right after I started hiding my drinking that I knew it was a problem. I told myself I could stop it. I tried several times and obviously failed time and again. I was never really in denial about having a problem - I think I knew it from the start. For me the difficulty in telling people is the shame and guilt involved for what I've done. I've known for a while now that I would need help to fix this problem, but I've been terrified to tell my secret.
I don't wake up and start drinking. I wake up and hate myself for what I drank the night before. I then tell myself that it will stop today. I really believe on some days that this will be the day it ends. But then I slip...I rush to pick up my kids from their after school club so I can drink some before my wife gets home from work an hour later. I also go into my office where I hide the alcohol and take drinks when no one is around. When I'm drinking my troubles are forgotten - until the next morning when it starts all over again.
My wife & I have been going through very difficult times for several years - we haven't been close (despite everything we've been through). There has been no affection nor intimacy. We fight often (sometimes even in front of the kids which I hate). Our relationship has been been pushed to the brink and I told her I was thinking about divorce.
Well yesterday I came to the conclusion that I couldn't make such a major decision if my head wasn't in the right place - if I wasn't a sober person. I found the courage to call my wife at work around 11am and ask for her to come home so I could talk to her. She asked why and I explained that I couldn't tell her over the phone. She came home an hour later and said she was expecting to see my suitcases packed by the front door. They weren't. I told her I was about to drop a bomb on her - and I told her about my problem. I kept thinking that if she caught me in the act, she'd probably never truly believe how strong of a desire I have to stop this lifestyle - I figured the only way she'd believe me is if it came from me.
She was shocked of course - completely overwhelmed. But, to her credit, she took it well and said she would support me and help me fight this. Yesterday was the first full day I've gone without a drink in I don't know how long. It wasn't as hard as I thought since I knew I had help at home now. I told here where I was hiding the drinks, and when I took them when she wasn't looking. I wanted her to know my secrets. I also called my sister and my father and told them my about my problem - they were also very supportive. Both said they were proud of me, though I don't really understand how anyone could be. I'm not feeling like a person anyone should be proud of at all - quite the opposite.
Anyway - sorry for the long first post...I just though background info was necessary. I look forward to hearing any feedback and advice for those that have gone through this (or are going through this at various stages). Thanks for listening...