My mind is the one playing tricks now, I am no longer doing it. My mind tells me I can drink again and will be able to stop. I know, that I cannot survive
Now your getting down to the nitty gritty of alcoholism imo...
You had an horrendous time with booze..im assuming...
you know you cant drink with any form of control..
and yet..........on and on the obsession goes.
i could say i was alcoholic all day...........i could go to meeting till i was sick of them.......i could sit on my hands........light some candles....and guess what?
the day came and kept coming when that sick mind of mine would win the day and id have a drink...
alcoholism for me....centres in the mind...its much more than the act of drinking.
i know that because i stopped drinking and i couldn't manage more than a few months before it was booze or the end.
so we treat the drinking/body by not drinking.....but how do we treat the mind......exactly how do we recover from that hopeless state of mind.
those first hundred wrote an instruction manual to deal with that.
in the form of twelve steps laid out in the book "alcoholics anonymous"
and its not vague.......it will tell you precisely how to recover.
not recovering for a thousand years.........recovered.
at those meetings you attend could you get a sponsor that will work through the steps with you?......someone with experience of them.
someone you look up too.......thats the same sex as you if possible.
Ive been where your at i think
it didn't get any better.....in the end it became unbearable......my world didn't light up.......
i engaged with a sponsor and worked hard...id like to say it was easy....but at times it was through gritted teeth....blind faith if you like.
but i never did drink again........and i dont intend to.
good luck and please post your progress.