I understand what you guys are all saying. It's just I WANT to WANT to stop more than I actually want to if that makes sense. I'd like to think if it really came down to it, I could stop though. I used to and occasionally still do have OCD flare-ups during really stressful times that cause actual uncontrollable compulsions aka MUCH MUCH worse than anything I have ever experienced with alcohol and with no pleasure whatsoever attached to them. It's just embarrassing to me because when I visit my family (hundreds of miles away), they make comments... and it is NOT like I spend my time there wasted. My mom asks me to lay off of it because of my elevated blood pressure etc, then when my husband asks how many I have had if I get home a couple of hours before him. He makes me feel bad for drinking too much at night because he thinks that is what causes my hands to shake in the morning and I have to treat patients. It is just nerves, but I can't convince him. It's too much. I don't see that I'm acting any differently. I try to act as normal as possible. It's frustrating. I never thought though that he may think I'm drinking because of him when I'm drinking 100% because of me. That is absurd in my mind. He is absolutely wonderful!