Thanks everyone, all the encouragement means so much. And you're absolutely right Alonebuthopeful it's really no way to live at all...kinda like chasing your own tail I suppose. I felt like such a nut today without some sort of pick me up at work. I found myself just closing my eyes are saying "I WILL stay sober, no questions asked dangit" True to my word I did go to the first NA meeting, I was so so scared to walk into the room and was thinking every person would turn and stare at me. But, they all greeted me warmly and they just let introduce myself and why I was there and didn't press me to talk if I felt really uncomfortable. I wanted to talk but I just couldn't get it out, I go again Thursday. Maybe I'll try again *deep breath*
PS - Alonebuthopeful, company is ALWAYS welcome