hi guys
thanks so much for the time taken to respond I am overwhelmed by your support and good questions posed
I would have said (until my 6 weeks abstaining) that i did not NEED to have a drink I CHOSE to
Those 6 weeks taught me how much alcohol had become part of me. I did go to bars with my friends as usual and stayed sober. I did not enjoy it as everyone else was pissed and I was only sober one.
It just seems to me really hard to imagine "you will never have one more drink ever in your life" what about Xmas, New Years, Birthdays ,Parties etc
So i ditched the sobriety !
If I was honest the main reason I did the 6 weeks off booze ,was to try and buy myself some more time with alcohol - what I mean is I hoped the 6 weeks would result in the liver tests being better , then I could justify drinking again and not have to hear the medics say no more drink ever!
I don't think I have the classic symptoms of an alcoholic - don't stay up drinking all night, know when I have had enough, never pass out, always remember the previous night , would never prioritise alcohol if money was scarce, don't hide drink, never had a drink in morning or during the working day etc .I can keep a ton of alcohol in my house without need to drink more than my share.For example I have a case of wine in my kitchen ,12 bottles, but know I will not drink more than one in an evening.
I have seen others who do all these things. It feels unjust they have no health problems.
I worked in the past with "real" alcoholics so maybe that clouds my vision. They put drink before everything, even to the point of losing their children. I suppose that is who i associate AA with those that put alcohol first.
I have never cancelled or changed plans in my life or for my kids, so i can drink ( just found a way of incorporating into family life in a socially acceptable way I suppose)
On the other hand if i know I am going to a difficult social event (funeral, meetng new people) I will need a large drink in secret before I go. So that is a worry.
One thing that bugs me is it feels like its not MY choice to stop alcohol, but that this choice is being imposed on me due to health problems by others. I hate that, as I am usually the one who decides! (god sound like a spolit brat
)
My life has its flaws under the surface. Its a great life NOW as I have worked hard to make it that way, but I have had a LOT of hurt ,loss and pain.
The reason I started drinking so young was because I had such a disruptive and dysfunctional childhood.
Maybe thats the cushion effect of the drink stops you dwellling on past issues?
Thanks again for reading these ramblings.
No drink today not one !