Hi daphne. I certainly can relate to everything you've said. In the end I had a drink by my side 24/7. There was a time when I could wait until after work like you do, but as you've heard, it's a progressive disease. You stated that your tolerance has increased. It will continue to, trust me. In the end, even 100 proof vodka didn't do the job for me, and I was a person who once got lightheaded on one beer.
I never thought to question why I had the need to drink to stifle my emotions. I didn't even think of it that way at the time - it seemed like an enhancement. While I was enhancing, though, I was killing my ability to feel, grow, and mature. I wasn't solving problems, just masking everything with a fake euphoria. When I got sober I had to learn to live again without my crutch - it felt so strange at first. Now, I'm so grateful to be free of the chains that I was carrying. I'm finally getting to know myself and learning why I felt the need to numb myself all those years.
SusanE has a good suggestion about reading "Under The Influence" - I also saw myself in "Drinking - A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp. Reading books by people you respect & can relate to is very helpful.
Please let us know how it's going for you, daphne! We care.