We sound exactly the same. Our world revolving around supply, worry about how to face the world without a fix, putting up the brave front for family, the shame, the anxiety. But, as I read on this forum, I get little truths here and there that make me believe it is all worth it. And there is something in me that knows it is all worth it. I just pray each day that "something" takes over my entire brain. I am a "relatively" young mother of two with a great husband and a wonderful life. But I can see the writing on the wall that I do not want to be the cause of any harm to my family due to this addiction, and that is where we ultimately are headed. I worry, like you, about wasting my prime of life feeling like this.
Please stay here and post. I think we need to keep eachother company.