Thank you to everyone for your warm welcome. It's so freeing to be able to talk openly about this and to be understood. It's like holding this huge ugly secret that just eats at you with it's very existence. Letting it out has been like finally being able to exhale. I've never been so serious about this before. Never wanted it like I do now. I want to be normal, feel good, remember evenings out, never embarrass myself or my husband. I want to continue to be able to wake up on a Saturday or Sunday looking foward to yummy pancakes, vs. my head in the bowl. Please remind me of this if I start thinking I can drink again...because deep down, really deep down, I know I can't. It's over. The party is DONE.