Now for the tough love talk.
I want to show you how NO Contact works from both sides of the street.
When I need space and time to focus on myself, I need to prevent the drama from entering my sanctuary. That involves not taking phone calls, not reading e-mails, texts and not answering the door for unscheduled visits. Those steps are hard to make. I'm curious about what the other person is feeling, thinking and doing; because that is my codie nature. I am more focused on another persons issues than my own. It's easier to judge his/her actions than to look at my own.
Now for the really hard part of NO Contact (for me): Not picking up the phone, texting, emailing and showing up unannounced in the other person's life. I can justify my need to contact till the moon turns pink, but my true motivation for the contact is not as pretty as a pink moon. In my case, I have to stop myself before I pick up that phone and ask: Why do I want to pull that person into my day? Then I play the tape forward: will I get the outcome I want or will I get the same old - same old.
My desire for contact is usually because I am lonely. Sometimes it is because I want my ex to know that I am having a hard time with the children, pets, plumbing, etc.... I wanted him to know that my life is not a fairy tale just because I have the marital bed to sleep in every night. The reality is that I never could get him to see my side of the relationship when he was in the house, and I still can't get him to see my side of the relationship when he is out of the house. No amount of personal drama in my home will get him to change into the person I want him to be.
It really, really is difficult to maintain NO Contact with a life partner. It is easier, for me, to stop receiving the contact than it is to stop making the contact.
I'm thankful for the times that I have been able to maintain no contact. Yet I also learn more about myself when I have failed to maintain no contact. Progress, not perfection.