I'm a binge drinker, and an alkie bum, and have been out of shape for over a year now and now have recognizable physical withdrawal symptoms, which---low, and behold---get worse when I stop drinking for any extended period of time. I have also been steaming my brains with anti-depressants, too many books and a job I hate for probably...three years too many, now...
I am out on the wire, and not sure how in the hell, precisely, I am going to get back, without much labor-intensive work, which will make me even stranger, undoubtedly, than drinking ever did.
I have not gone more than...3 weeks without a pop in over 5 years...and usually no more than 5 days. I can feel the fecking thirst on the inside surfaces of my molars on some days after a particularly humdrum day of grueling "who gives a shite" in the cosmic sense at my idiotic job where rich folk move their useless money around so they can buy more crap they do not need. I do more than binge drink and hate myself for it, I hate myself with ever fiber of my being, I absolutely abhor my very existence, and I will NEVER begin to even understand that until I cease.
This stupid world and my own uselessness in it (or, what I once perceived this to be) makes me very, very, very angry, and I have used alcohol as an excuse to not take any responsibility for it, or my place in it.
Essentially, binge drinking has given me the luxury of being a big useless teenager far past my expiration; I have pickled myself, my life, my belief system...and my expectations in the stuff.
But, I am here, and I am trying, trying to get well...it may end up being a lifetime of work, or, a minor preoccupation....just a bit maudlin since I erred and screwed myself up on NYs....
