I felt at peace with myself when the clock struck midnight tonight and I was listening to one of my favourite songs and the song literally skipped for about 3 seconds about bang as the clock struck midnight!! Well weird but I'm taking it as a sign!! LOL.
So gratefull to be at peace with myself tonight and will be waking tomorrow feeling like I can really make something of this next decade and have all to live for as opposed to waking and the first thought coming into my battered mind is to get another drink and to scrat around licking my Cocaine baggie's which have already been licked dry. I used to feel so desolate but all the while just yearning to get that high and buzz/release from life and myself back. I have realised that it truly is a game that will always end in tears for us alclholics and addicts and happiness will only ever come to us if we 'work' for it and on ourselves filling that indescribable void with other things instead of booze and drugs.
I thought tonight that when you strip all of the bullsh*t away from all of the reasons you could come up with as to why you 'deserve' a drink it's all just a load of b*llocks that your alclholic mind comes up with to try to justify getting its fix. When it comes down to it I used to just want to get loaded, plain and simple and it will always end in heartache and tears, everytime.
Gratefull to be sober and at relative peave and clarity in my mind. I just need to keep striving to work on myself and my insecurities and then I know I could indeed feel real happiness. Something which I dodn't think i have felt probably since I was a child really.
I think I consued euphoria with happiness for many years as it's the easy fix to happiness.
peace and love xxx