I hear you... every word could be an entry I made last year at this time. It isn't rambling, you are trying to make sense out of something that doesn't make sense. Trying to make an abnormal situation - normal.
Last year my husband and I had been separated for 5 months b/c of his drinking. I thought if he can't get sober with me than maybe he can get it w/o me.( he had done so before meeting me) He walked away from me through the holidays and tried to come back all at the same time. I made a decision to w/d from him. I did not return calls nor agree to see him - which was difficult b/c we work at the same place. One month later he stopped and has been sober for the year. I believe w/o me to monitor his drinking he got to see just how much of a problem it was.
Give him the ability to see it for himself - I was able to get to that point when I saw that getting out of the way proved to be a good backdrop for him to see himself. I learned quickly that when I was around or interacting with him I became his target.
Like you, I am still trying to sort out the nonsense of this disease. I am trying to figure out if I can live with it or not. For now, I am not living with it and I am lonely and dissappointed as I watch all my dreams leave. It feels awful and disorienting. I get angry and argue with the air at times to vent. But it does get easier.