cingle,
I think it's the Addictive Voice talking to you. I call it Radio K-%$#@. For me, alcoholism is a disease, a malady or something. It's like a beast that lives in my head. It wants to protect itself at all costs. It will whisper, lie, scream, tantrum or whatever to feed itself.
Focus on the good parts of recovery. Health, return of self-esteem and feeling better. And just take it one day at a time. Keep reading, post when you want to. SR is a great place to be.
Love,
Lenina