For me the several long term relationships i have had over the years (no kids) and the numerous other brief encounters (months not years) were always with women that seemed to come along. Always had to be presentable and everything fits into its slot, e.g. looks, allowing me to run the show, always there for me etc. women that would allow me to be selfish and not question me basically, whilst being acceptable to me!
So getting sober what do i see now? Well i see a guy who is **** scared of being intimate and letting anybody in, imagine falling in love with a woman who i actually liked, as in loved, i guess, for who she is...whats inside i mean...wow i could get hurt bigtime if she wanted to but at the same time if i don't get over that emotional hurdle then im going to be alone for the rest of my life as there is no way im hooking up with the first female that comes along now (obviously profile her first...old behaviour...not going to happen that way anymore)!
All through the years i have considered myself to be a loner, and to be a cool one at that...y'know he doesn't give a damn about women, he can take it or leave it...how cool is he, yeah right!
Truth is i've always been scared of taking off the armour and opening up my heart, i've been kidding myself for a looooong time. Ironic that i now realise what i have always wanted the most is to fall in love and spend my life with that person, and i mean to love them, which incidentally i have no idea what that is...making love, whats that? Thats what women call having sex?! Well i don't think it is actually it reckon its a state of mind, if you truly love someone then you are making love, right?
So i reckon i've got some of the theory, got the program and now need to keep working on myself one day at a time, follow my sponsors advice of no relationships in first 2 years and trust God to make this happen when it happens...reckon that gives me half a chance, right;-)
Emotional abuse comes in many forms when you are young, sure i had a crazy Grandmother who used to call me evil and wicked but worse than that was growing up in a household where that was totally not tactile and feelings just weren't expressed ever...the loneliness was horrrible! So you adapt and hide your feelings, try and turn yourself into someone you are not meant to be.
Don't get me wrong i have made my amends, i just see things for what they are now and that very much includes myself...but i do feel for you and i do understand what you mean.
Only told one other person that stuff, it'll be our secret hehe;-)