Hey I was thinking about you, about this thread and about the possibility that you may feel "ganged up" on.
That happens to me sometimes. I have to work hard to not lash out at others when it does but I noticed you haven't been responding to the posts here, thought you might just be withdrawing.
This place is amazing and life saving, yet due to the nature of the internet, and written word, some things may come off has harsh or uncaring, especially when we're in a state of desperation and pain. I think I may have at least, and hope not.
I can relate so much to working harder than the A to: communicate, fix the marriage, make things better, get my feelings across and try to get my AH to give a crap about my feelings. You said,
for some reason am trying to sort things out:
It took years for me to have enough. Folks were frustrated with me IRL. Didn't want to hear it anymore. I couldn't sort it out! I kept trying and communicating and being baffled by his rage and insanity. It was exhausting.
It wasn't until I left him physically and got some distance and stopped trying to communicate with him that I was able to sort it out.
The good people here aren't uncaring and we do understand. We are trying to help, yet also know that, just like the A wont' stop drinking until (or if) they've had enough and reach their bottom, just like we didn't sort out how to let go and detach until we were ready... neither will you.
I hope you come back and post, let us know how you're doing and feeling.