lionheart

Hey everyone

I am not here to have any response but to just get out these thoughts and reflect some..

I have not picked up a drink in 7 days, for me, pretty amazing. My mind has picked up quite a few or at least wanted to, badly. There have been some pretty challening times, but I am pretty stubborn so when I say all or nothing, thats how it is.

With this part of my life, I am not so sure thats going to be so easy. I have read many many posts and relate to many things here. Part of me thinks I have a bit of a drinking problem, part of me thinks I have addiction issues and part of me just doenst want to think at all.

Today, after 3 days of endless festivities and being around alcohol, I think I am capable to do anything and not drink - those thoughts scare me but also give me confidence. They scare me because from what I have seen, if I am a true addict then its my mind playing tricks on me and may end up at the "one wont hurt" place which is really not where I want to be. The confidence part is where I go, hey, you can go for 7 days and not do it, keep up the good work. I still, after 7 days feel confused - maybe its my lack of patience. I like things done quickly and if they arent get frustrated.

Another thing is that I am struggling with the label of being an alcoholic. I have also read alot of posts that say dont worry about the label part, but for me its not that simple. I am a gay woman, labels have surrounded my life for so long its not funny. Society LOVES to put them on my community, I dont really care for them. I am who I am. So, is it possible to go through all of this without meetings, without labels etc and be successful? Is the label thing, just denial? hmmm

Is it really ok to be so confused about this situation? I just want a clear answer in my head so that I can move forward. I like to know the deal and keep going, whatever direction it needs to be.

I had my mum down for a few days and she said, oh lets have a drink and so I said to her, I dont drink anymore so I wont be having one. She was fine with that and left it there. It came up later and I said to her that it was time for me to be healthy - she smiled at me, tears in her eyes and put her hands on my cheeks and said she was proud of me - a woman of actions without too many words is my mum and I think those gestures spoke a million words.

I just dont want to be confused but am scared of it all too. Sometimes I feel strong and ok to cope and deal with it all and other times I feel like I am a child again who needs a cuddle from mum. Sick and tired of fighting it and trying to work it out, I want a day off from it but it wont get out of my head. I am tired which doesnt help but what I really really want - is my head to just stop..just for a little while..

Thanks for listening/reading..

LH