This sucks I am stopping alchohol today and was maybe thinkig off my pain meds from my back surgery which in all honesty I dont think I need but I dont deserve them b.c I have been injecting them.
I dont know how I can just post that so freely and witout even caring b/c i used to think people that crossed that line were stupid, self controless (if that is a word I am in such a rush today on top of everything else so I cant look it up) and that was after I had been to rehab, and did major drugs in evey other way in my life.
Thats why I drink so much to not care about that. I was just honestly cleaning up and came across an unused rig I didnt even know I had hidden in this spot b.c it wasnt a very good one. It took 5 min to have it in my arm. It is now (I did make a second one squirted it out and broke off the tip) which I will regret later but I am sick by myself but today i am workingon alcohol, 1 thing at a time.
I am not going to shoot again either, but I messed up and am moving on. I had not really made a commitment to that but looks like I need to make that commitment here as well. No alcohol and take my meds as directed.
That is the plan for today.
I bet some of you think I can not do this and i hope so and I would really like to hear why b/c that will make me fight harder, I work like that unfortuantely. Also does a mantra when I became pregnant wirth my daughter (ans was not drinking nearly as much as I am now) I kept thinking a lot about fetal accohol syndrome an had somene say to me make sure you dont drink now (they did not know I was an alcoholic then) but htey said you dont want to have a mangeled baby.
So everytime I wanted to drink i just kept repeating mangeled baby, sorry its gross not tryingt o be offensive to anyone but it worked for me, but it was easier becasue I was elated to be pregnant, and didnt know if I was having any withdrawel or if the headaches (terrible) I were having were withdrawel or from pregnancy so it was easier to justify and I really did think it was pregnany.
This time my mantra has to be lose daughter. I am going to keep repeating that b/c with what I have been doing I could easily lose her if someone reported me. So I am going to say lose daughter everytime I want a drink like right now.
And when my mind says it will make me feel better or I should cut down some more first before quitting this disease is taking to me and saying so many things to get me go buy a beer a big one. Lodse daughter.
Ok I have to go do some shopping now, I am running so behind and getting out would be good.
Thank you all so very much!
Dreams