Lotus2009

I think I'm starting to see my codie behavior and notice that all my anger or frustration is just waiting to spill out!

AH and I went out to dinner with 3 new friends tonight. I somewhat felt like playing an act in a play at the beginning of the night, mainly because our marriage is really damaged at this point and I was very upset this morning when AH had told me that he was probably not going to go out tonight (he ended up going because I had a meltdown - I just couldn't take another empty promise). But that feeling soon went away and for the rest of the night I enjoyed living in the fantasy world, where our marriage was fine and we were a happy couple enjoying a nice dinner with some friends.

Anyways, I noticed my codie behavior not when dealing with my husband tonight (which I thought was the only time I somewhat act codie), but when talking (or trying to talk) to one of our new friends. The friend has seemed somewhat stressed out with work lately - he is from a different culture, in which people identify much more with their work/ business they work for than we would here and end up spending a lot more hours at work than I would.
He made a comment that people from my culture get a lot of vacation time and I snapped back saying that we just like to enjoy life (talk about being on the defensive all the time!!). Anyways, I really didn't mean to offend him... but I guess I made it even worse when I started expressing my concerns over his work load. It really was meant to come from a good place, because I had gotten the feeling lately that he somewhat feels trapped in his cultural traditions (obliged to obbey traditions and putting cultural customs over his individual happiness - if you know what I mean) - but maybe I was completely off. The whole work thing ended up being a very touchy subject and he just got very defensive and it got very uncomfortable - him defending why he works so much and me trying to explain that I didn't mean to offend but just was caring about his wellbeing (somehow he didn't seem to understand what I was trying to say and just kept defending himself without hearing me). It somewhat ruined the night. As all of this happened at the end of dinner, I ended up just telling him I was sorry if I offended him and that yes he did answer my question (which I felt he didn't). So we all left with this issue being unresolved (at least on my end). What I noticed though was that apart from the cultural misunderstandings, I was trying to fix what I thought might be a problem for him (which really was none of my business) and with the way I worded my questions, I must have given off the impression that he needs to change something (even though it wasn't necessarily my intent to change him - maybe unconsciously I was thinking that maybe he would be much happier if he did not work as much, and lived life the way I would live life).

I left the dinner feeling frustrated (because we left without things being resolved), angry (at myself for ruining the dinner), and extremely misunderstood (because he just didn't seem to understand what I was trying to express - my concern). Ha, the exact same feelings, I feel after trying to talk to AH about his drinking.

I don't think I normally meddle with others' (besides AH's) businesses... but I think I am starting to transfer all the issues I have with and emotions/ behaviors I have toward AH onto other people now (because they are just not getting resolved at home).

Sorry, if I've been rambling... just having a hard time putting feelings into words.