transformyself

Sweet!

Well at least you're standing up for yourself and the kids. You are creating boundaries, he doesn't like them, then storms out like a child. This is how my AH behaved, how most of them do, I'd warrant.

I have great news! If you read those books, if you take those initially scary scary steps of refocusing on yourself and owning you power as a woman and mother and not being afraid of him, you won't care anymore what he does! He can have tantrums, and when he gathers his things and leaves you'll be relieved.

You can be free of this.

I spent a good year and a half with my AH being verbally abusive--which is what yours is doing too--after he had an affair. Lived with the bimbo 8 blocks away, then wanted to come home. I was terrified he would not love me, go back to her, all sorts of fears. They controlled me.

He would wake me up out of a dead sleep and tell me he was divorcing me. Drunk as hell. I would cry, sob, plead and beg. I was hysterical. Lived in absolute fear.

And he kept contacting her. Kept drinking. He didn't care what I said or did.

When I first started to gain independence, when I first started ignoring the rants and raves and demands, he switched tactics and fast. I was astonished at how quickly he maneuvered into a compliant, manipulating role. Promised he'd stop talking to her. Promised to stop drinking. That surprised and hooked me back in.

But he didn't stop. He threw me off his trail. It's part of the dance

Deny
Blame shift and rage at me to take the heat off or when that stops working
Promise to comply long enough for me to relax then do what he wants anyway.

Regardless of how his family feels. Regardless of how it impacts his family. He doesn't care about anyone but himself and that became more and more clear to me until I was exhausted emotionally and physically. I was sick. Ill.

I found a website about leaving a passive aggressive husband (because he is that as well and I hadn't found this wonderful place yet) and memorized the following sentences. They worked immediately and gave me the strength to leave.

I am leaving you now
It is my choice
I am free of you and your toxic behaviors
Everything is for my greater good.

The night before I was suppose to move out with the kids, we had a fight and he told me he could never reconcile with me because he "didn't agree with my lifestyle." This ordinarily would make me hysterical; beg him to explain what he meant.

But I got in bed and said those sentences over and over to myself and for the first time ever fell asleep without crying, without following him around begging for him to explain what he meant by that. Listen to me. That was a miracle. As miraculous as an alcoholic who gets sober.

The next morning, woke up, got dressed and started loading the truck. Laughing. I was literally laughing and skipping around. I felt my first taste of freedom in a year and a half.

After moving into my new house with the kids, I woke up every day feeling like a little kid at Christmas. I was elated for months. Months! Just to be away from him. Free of his toxic behavior. It was my choice.

That’s real freedom. And if I can do it, so can you.