Sounds like you aren't ready to quit booze/drugs yet Sara.
To stand any chance you have to be totally beaten and willing to accept that drinking cannot be an option for you anymore as you are alcoholic and thus booze will kill you, whilst taking everything that you once held dear along with it too.
There is no quick fix, magic bullet solution to drink/drug addiction fundamentally because the person has to be willing to go to any length neccessary to stay clean at all costs. You have to surrender completely in order to stand any chance of victory. Such a hard thing to comprehend and accept untill that moment of clarity smacks you in the face and you see your future so vividly and you know that you have to get clean or you're going to die or end up in prison or a psychiatric hospital.
I weren't ready at 19 either, in fact I wouldn't have even considered it back then as I still had loads more booze and drugs to take. I hadn't even gotten into Cocaine properly till i was 20!! LOL. Not even done acid till I was 20!! Would have been a tragedy to have quit!! LOL
Was it worth it? Hell yes, it's what has brought me here where i am today but it had to bring me to my knees numerous times before i got where i am now. I truly had enough of booze and drugs but i had to stand firm with my decision to stay sober/clean at all costs or I would have gone back to my old ways again.
I stay away from booze/drugs on a daily basis with the help of SR and AA. SR helped immensely in the early days when i was unemployed but I have really got involved with AA now and I love meeting all my friends there now. They have been where i have been and they understand what I say when I discuss what I am describing to you now. Not everyone at the meetings I particualry like but thats life. They think the same about me I'm sure!lol.
When you're ready you will suddenly see all the snippets of what people were trying to tell you, but crucially only when you're ready. Some people are never ready and take it to the grave with them sadly, but thats the reality of alclholism/drug addiction. I am no different and i realise that I am only one drink away from being right back to where free booze seems like something I couldn't possibly turn down or be without.
I love not being a slave to chemicals anymore Sara, so pathetic when you really think about it, being a slave and choosing chemicals over everything else in your one life. But that's where i was deep in my alclholism. I am so glad I ain't in that game anymore. being sober is so much better than chasing a chemical release from life. Though i wouldn't have believed that statement 9 motnhs ago either.
peace and Love xxx