I remember you very well, Marie - so glad to see you. You were here before me, and I enjoyed your posts. I had no idea you were struggled so. It took me years of half-hearted attempts to finally be terrified enough to do stop. One day, the light just dawned and I knew I couldn't put my body through it anymore.
Please stay and let us know how you're doing. You already know that living the way you have been is sucking the life out of you. You sound ready to end the drama and misery of living life in chains. You can do this.