Nothing unusual there at all Sara. Sounds like alcoholism to me.
An 'old-timer' shared at a meeting the other day that when he does telephone service/rehabs that when he is listening to an active alcoholic/drug addict they explain their problem with alcohol/drugs and then comes the BUT...
BUT I am different to other people, this is why I drink, I drink because of my terrible depression, I drink because of my parents death, i drink because of my child abuse etcetc. This is all denial at work and one of the most powerfull elements of addiciton is denial.
I used to use the "excuse" that I would drink to alleviate the depression I felt and that I 'had' to drink to pick my mood up at certain times otherwise I would go down even lower etcetcetc.
I struggled with the fact that I believed drink/drugs was a part of the rock n' roll/wild person that I thought I wanted. read my posts from a couple of weeks ago to see how I struggled. But I kept posting on SR and got myself to meetings and met fellow alcoholics and most of all I didn't pick up that first drink. I am so gratefull for that because if I did I would be back where you are now Sara. I don;t say this disrespectfully to you at all either.
You weren't born drinking booze so it ain't essential that you need it to survive no-matter what your addiction may whisper in your ear....
All the best.