burstpeach

Hi everyone.

This is the first time I have ever opened up online to a vast number of people about what I believe is a drinking problem. And the first time I have shared this with anyone other than my partner (who quite frankly, doesn't get it).

I'm in my mid twenties and have probably had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol for ten years. I used to drink heavly at weekends as a teenager, binge drinking, much the same way as my friends did. But, I also started using it as a crutch and have done ever since. I have some chronic physical health problems that are very painful, I also have an anxiety disorder and depression. Ten years ago I used alochol to block these things out. I was the only one of all my friends who had a chronic illness and anxiety disorder so felt that I had a right to use alchohol for 'medicinal' purposes and that my friends had no right to judge me as they had no idea what I was going through.

However, regardless of what they think or what right anyone has to judge me or not, my alchohol drinking is a problem for me.

As a young teenager I got involved with unpleasant men who treated me pretty badly. During one 18 month relationship I qucikly learnt that alchol would help block out the pain he caused me. To be frank, he abused me, and I used alchohol to numb it. Anyway, for years I have continually used alchohol to numb pain. And now...well, my pain is now only of my own making...my pain of drinking is now outweighing the residual pain of my past and I've had enough. I want to start living a life without pain that I now only blame myself for.

I have joined this site to finally reach out for support from people who won't judge me and who have some understanding of a drinking problem. My partner knows that I drink too much and too often and is tired of constantly seeing me feeling rough and unable to do anything. But he also doesn't seem to grasp the severity of my drinking. He is a regulalr drinker but has far tighter drinking boundries than me. He doesn't have a problem with drinking...he can say 'no', he can say 'how much' and he can stick to a limit. I however, can't say no and can't stop! I have waves of sobriety and have felt great for it, but something happens and I relapse for weeks on end. I am admittedly better than I was in the past, as in the past I never had waves of sobriety and I seem to conitine not giving up trying to get sober. But I feel that this time I need support...I am determined to not be controlled by alchohol. Espeically when I have a partner who says, after I've said I'm not drinking tonight, 'oh, but I bought a speical wine for tonight that I was hoping to share together'. When I have a partner who just doesn't get it and a family who also doesn't have a problem with wine but regualrly have the odd glass and wave it infornt of me, I think I now need support.

So hello....