I never really drank alot. . liked the drugs more. . . could manage to stay stopped for a while, but I always seemed to end up using again.
Problem was, if I picked up a drink, I didnt know if this was the night I would end up downtown smoking crack and shooting dope. Oh sure, chances are I would not lose control. But if I am honest with myself, I really didnt know what would happen. Therefore my drinking was unpredictable.
With that in mind, I made a decision to stop. . . well, eventually, I would, you might say, forget my decision, and try the experiment of the first drink again. And you know what???? Nothing bad happened! Made it home. Didnt spend the rent on crack and dope. "See? You're not that bad!" I would tell myself. And continue casual drinking.
And then, someplace down the road, I'd find myself right back there, in places I didn't expect to be, wondering "How did I end up here again???" I had no intention of doing what I was doing when I started out the night.
I finally realized, I was doomed to repeat this over and over again. Eventually, I would die from this. Against my will.
NA/AA ??? I dont know, I've seen them both work. . . for people who wanted to stop.
I've seen 100% success for those who really follow the program as outlined in either text.
On the otherhand, I've known people say AA/NA didn't work for them, though when reviewing their actions, we usually find they left parts out.
I have also known people who have put it down on their own, never worked a program and led perfectly normal lives.
At the same time, I have known people who put it down, never worked a program and then committed suicide.
Myself, I love drugs. I love the way they make me feel. I love the camaraderie that comes with it. But it was killing me and I couldn't stop.
Am I an alcoholic? Yes. Why? Despite not being a heavy drinker, I exhibited these symptoms -
If I took a drink, the action of the alcohol on my brain produced a craving for more. I could not get enough. This usually led me to picking up hard drugs as I enjoyed the high from them more than the buzz from alcohol
My mind was capable of telling me I could drink safely. "You can go in that bar and have a New Castle Brown Ale (Man I love the bruinies!!!) and not end up smoking rock" Sometimes that was the case, once in a while it was not. I could not, though tell whther or not tonight would be the jackpot. It was playing russin roulette. To make a long story short, my mind was out to kill me!
"WHAT? My Mind is not right??? How could that be? I'm brilliant! Studied engineering and physics in college. Working as a high level Software Engineer at major Telecom company! There is nothing wrong with my mind!!!"
"Oh yeah??? Then why would you pick up that first drink?"
"ummm. . . heh . . . I have no idea!"
f*cking insanity! Isn't it???
I don't profess to know what your problem is. You might just be sociopathic.
I don't know that AA/NA is for you. I can tell you it works for those who really do it and don't treat it as a social club.
I can tell you that AA worked for me and changed my life. I haven't had a drink or drug in almost 9 years after 25 years of heavy drug use.
If you identify with any of my story, I urge you to get serious about this. The condition is fatal. Any relapse can be the one that kills you or someone else.
As Ive said on this board before. .
"The lucky ones go out fast. But typically it is a long, slow miserable, lonely death. Hopefully we go out alone, but often times we take others, innocent ones, out with us, too"
Man, I hope that helps.