SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - View Single Post

12-08-2009, 11:19 AM

# 4 (permalink)

CrackQuack

Member

Join Date: Mar 2009

Location: Dayton, OH.

Posts: 879

Hi! Welcome to SR! I am crackquack, and as the name implies, a crack addict. TEN months clean. MORE than ten months! WE CAN DO IT!
I agree 100% with Anna. It's not a character defect. You are NOT a loser. Media, Movies, and society has portrayed addiction IN THE WRONG LIGHT for FAR too long! It's true, we made the choice to take that first one. Millions of people have. Only a handful have been able to continue to make a CHOICE. The rest of us, our choice stopped at the moment that we did things out of character, to get high. Stealing. Sleeping with someone other than our spouses. Getting arrested. The desire to keep getting high no matter what. Addiction led us down a dark and dangerous path. Many do not survive.
Have you ever seen some of the documentaries on crack and heroin addicts still in active addiction? How MANY of them WISH they could stop, but simply don't know how. I've seen them begging others not to ever try these drugs because of their addictive properties.
Anyway, I, too, am so glad you're here and have made the choice to stay clean! That is the first step for us. Deciding to stop.
Many, MANY times, I'd go a month, or even eek out two, without smoking crack and feel on top of the world. Like I've beaten addiction. That is the tricky thing about crack and cocaine. Physical withdrawals are minimal. Once we've gotten over our slight bought of shakes, if we get any physical withdrawals, we think we've got it beat. But once the mental aspect kicks in, which can take a while, we begin to think that we can control our using. After all. We've just gone a month or two without using! Surely it's controllable. We think we're not addicts after all and have no inhibitions to go out and use. So we go out and use. I remember trying that pattern so many times. I'd think I can stop at a 40 or a gram or an 8 ball. And it would not end until my bank account was 500 dollars under. And the only reason it ended was because I was either too high to drive or the ATM stopped giving me money. It was so sad.
And I'd feel so guilty. So lonely. So stupid. My last relapse, I felt none of that. I felt angry. Angry that I gave in. Angry that I didn't use my tools and program to stop myself from using.
And tired. Just tired of doing this insanity over and over and over again. I got tired of being tired. I was racing, chasing after a high that I would never achieve. Tired of stealing. Tired of looking over my back for police. Tired of getting sick from using so much. Tired of using so much I'd wake up in a hospital. Tired of my friend's and family having to put up with it and being dragged along with my addiction.
February 3rd, 2009 was my first day of freedom.
You've got to want to stay away from the drugs (alcohol IS a drug) MORE than you want to get high. You've got to do it for yourself!
Keep coming back to SR! We've got a lot of support and information for the addict who wants to stay clean and sober.
Also, check out AA and NA! See where meetings are in your area. Being around other addicts, in person, can be theraputic itself. People like yourself. People you can relate to. People who will give you hugs, coffee, and an ear. People who can be with you and help you!
Most importantly, people who will not judge you. They've been there. Unlike non-addicts and modern medicine, they have real world experience and can tell you what works and what does not. Not everyone is the same. There will be trial and error. And some modern medicine is very beneficial. Having a therapist to talk to or going to inpatient rehab has helped many people get and stay clean.
But I've not seen recovery like I have here at SR. The only thing lacking is the face to face, personal contact. Everything else is here and there is a LOT of recovery!