good days and bad days....and then again
Ok...so I think it is day 5 of having asked AH to leave. Not so much because of his drinking, but his extremely argumentative, name calling, mental abuse. Here is what I am struggling with.....we talked for a while today. I consider myself a VERY reflective person and am willing to take ownership of my issues...which I know that I have some. For example he brought up that with our daughter I am ALWAYS in control of her. She is 1...and this is sorta true. He never stepped up after she was born because he was drinking, and I've always done it, and I do it well...but always perhaps as a form of something I could control. I owned this, and acknowledged that I had probablly acted this way...and even said why. Here's the thing though...no matter what I said he couldn't own it, acknowledge or even discuss it. He virtually pretends that the past did not happen. He actually believe that all the horrible names he called me were "justified" because he was mad...really that makes it ok?? Here is why I am upset with myself...I let him get to me. I let him make me feel guilty because he is sleeping on a friends couch. I let him make me feel like he wouldn't do that to me if I wasn't such a "horrible" wife. Why do I fall into the guilt thing everytime and he never shows an ounce of guilt for anything!! I'd kill for just 1 time him to say.....wow I do do that...I am sorry! But that will never happen. He said something today that did make sense today.....he believes that I want him to be something he is not...and maybe that is true. I am not "in love" with him anymore, but I really do hold my marriage vows sacred, so the guilt between him and my beliefs is really eating at me! SR is the only place I find that anyone understands the insanity....and can actually understand where I'm coming from. Any kind words or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!!