You know as well as I do that drinking never helps.
If you ever need the reminder go back and look at your old posts after a relapse least.
Maybe a return to AA might help with the loneliness? or some kind of voluntary work?
I know you have depressive and anxiety issues too. I think we owe it to ourselves to seek out other coping mechanisms that go beyond 'numbing' ourselves. Noone should live numb.
I know the health system in the US can be problematic but I believe it's always possible to find help...if you are prepared to do a lot of research and knock on a lot of doors.
Thinks like relaxation techniques, exercise, a change in diet, and yoga can help too.
You're not powerless least - don't let yourself think you are
D